So I am sitting here suppost to be finishing up my last two posts for my class, but I just have something on my mind, we actually on my heart.. Well most of you know that I am married and have been for the past two years, before that we were dating for at least two so I guess that equals to four years. We first met as teenagers and then bing bang boom we are 2o and 21 yrs of age with two kids. I guess we both have to grow up fast. Sometimes I feel well actually most of the time I wish I had waited to get married. I do love him, I just have this underlying anger towards him that puts a wall that blocks the love.
He never helps out with the kids even when he has a day off or gets home from work his excuse is because he finally has a job, (which for the longest he wouldnt even look for one) That the kids are my responsiblity, but they are his too shouldnt he be responsible for them as well? My school is my work, i cant just neglate my school work, or there would be no purpose of me starting school in the first place.
This has made me realize… that I have to count on my parents, best friend, and aunt and other family members more than I can count on my supposable husband…???
Why is that? I have no idea because he is never around and when is does have time to be around he choose not too. He rather spend a night out with his brother than spend time with his family, when I need him the most.
I am a stay at home mom and full time student so when do I get my break to myself? when I study, and he watches the kids? well that answer would be a no. Hes not supportive of me going to school, hes not against it, but hes not all helpful such as Ill take care of my kids, no when one kid cries its like here i cant handle it.
When gabriel was a baby Nelson would go out every night with his friends for almost two years, for an entire year he didnt even support Gabriel, Gabriel didnt want to go to him. I thought it was because he didnt live with us that is why him and gabriel did not have a really bonding realitionship, (he gave me such a guilt trip)but nelson did the same thing to his realtionship with Livia… he doesnt really have one and really doesnt try too.
I am tired of it, when I am by myself with just the kids I can only rely on myself and I actually get what needs to be done, but when he is at home and i try to rely on him to help it ends up failing and becoming an argument.
Sometimes, well most of the time now I feel more and more that I would be better off being a single parent, I think I would be happier with out him, it would give me more belief in myself. I dont care about dating or finding a mate….. as long as I have my best friend and my family and of course my kids to keep me company I know I can handle being a single parent and might be better off.
I always hear its better off if your children have two parents, but when one parent really isnt one how is that better off, especially when I am always angry and him and i do not have a real relationship?
I love him but it sometimes seems that im in this parenting game by myself, he wouldnt even sit down to help me choose a standee for our kids birthday party, (which he wont be going too) because he needs to go sleepover at his brothers house. Everytime I bring up the kids birthday such as in gifts, party planning etc.. he calls me crazy, or blows me off.
I really think i need to depend on my self more and believe in myself because that is the only way I will get through school and parenting my children, I just first need to let go…
How can you let go????
When someone finds the answer plz let me know….
I better be back to my school work cause livia is getting fussy, hopefully I will be back on tommro.
Peace & Love